Category: Mental Health

Coming Alive

I feel like this particular post has taken the better part of twenty years to compose.

Many are already aware of this, but for those who aren’t: I first started struggling with mental health issues in my teen years. Family problems, spiritual struggles, physical maladies, and destructive natural tendencies plagued me…and they all seemed to converge in the development of severe anxiety, depression, and OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder).

It didn’t all happen at once. These issues took years to form and develop. And they continue to grow and warp and progress to this day. But somehow in all of it I am starting to be able to look back and to see God’s hand. During the time it seemed like it was a hand of anger and of hatred towards me…but in truth it was – and is – and always will be – a hand of love.

Never have I and never will I (until I see Him face to face) be able to fully understand how God works. His ways are mysterious and beyond my comprehension. But as I continue on this journey that God has planned specifically for me, I am learning that He knows what is best. He has my best interests at heart, and He is so incredibly good. The difficult, the hurtful, the almost unbearable circumstances that He allows into our lives at times…they are horrible. They are heart-wrenching. They are discouraging. They are unthinkable. And they are so out of line with His character, that it makes you wonder if there truly is a God – and if there is one – if He is truly a loving being. I won’t even pretend to have a complete answer for this age-old question. But I canshare with you how God has worked in my life, and what He has taught me through everything so far.

As I mentioned, my mental health issues began to develop about twenty years ago. During that period, I have had many up’s and down’s. Many good and bad experiences. A lot of blessings and answers to prayer, but also a lot of heartache and suffering that led me to be suicidal at times. I have been in and out of the hospital, through numerous out-patient programs, have seen more psychiatrists and therapists than I can count, have been on almost every medication available for my problems, have gone through forty ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments, and have endured around six months of daily (5 days a week) treatments with TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). And it still seemed like each day brought a new form of torture. I would “conquer” one stronghold, only to have another one appear and take its place.

I mention all of this because I want you to be able to understand the depths of the pit into which I had fallen. My heart cried out to God for help, but no clear answer seemed forthcoming. There was no easy cure for my problems. I knew that God could heal me completely if He wanted to – and I did pray for this – but His answer came as a firm “no,” or at least, “not right now.” But He did answer my prayers for grace; for strength; for patience; for peace; for joy; for everything I needed to be able to take that next “baby step” through the mud and the mire. And now I’m starting to feel like He has begun to pull me up out of the pit and into the sunlight. I still struggle constantly, but I’m learning that it is for a greater purpose. And I believe that purpose is to make me into the person that He wants me to be, and to prepare me for the work that He has for me to do.

Things changed drastically when my husband and I decided that we wanted to try to have a baby. I had to go off of almost all of my medicines. With the guidance of my psychiatrist, I lowered the dosages of four of my medications over the course of several months, until I was off of them completely. My body did not react well to this. It was used to being on heavy medication for many years to control my symptoms, and without them I began to spiral downward. I experienced horrible withdrawal symptoms that I didn’t know if I would be able to endure. But after a lot of prayer, close collaboration with my psychiatrist and therapist, and wisdom and encouragement from my family and friends, my Hubby and I felt that the Lord wanted us to move forward. If I had to begin taking the medications again, I would – but for now we felt that God wanted us to take a few more baby steps. And let me tell you, they were very difficult baby steps. But I am grateful to say that I am taking only one main psychiatric medication now, along with an over-the-counter med to help with my persistent insomnia.

What has been the result? Well, we’re not pregnant just yet! But we’re praying and waiting on God to see how He wants to work. I struggle with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), so it may take a while. However in the meantime, I have been blessed with another benefit of coming off of most of my medications:

I feel like I am coming alive again!

I can think more clearly, I can experience more emotions, I can joke around about things. I am more snarky, more quick-witted, more empathetic towards others. In short, I am able to enjoy life more fully! Now believe me, this does not come without its drawbacks. I have slept very little over the past several months, as the medicine I used to take for insomnia is not safe for pregnancy, and nothing else seems to work well. Also, since I don’t have all of the other meds to help control my symptoms, they have been returning…sometimes in full force. The OCD has been creeping back into my daily routine. The anxiety and racing thoughts are extremely persistent. And I still feel very low sometimes. But as I mentioned earlier, I have been following the instructions of my psychiatrist and trying to see my therapist weekly to assist me in handling these symptoms. At the recommendation of friends and family, I have also been using more natural methods to combat these problems, such as daily exercise and exposure to the sun, eating more healthfully and making sure I drink tons of fluids, taking a bath or shower before I go to bed and using essential oils to help me sleep, and meditating as I go throughout the day. And it’s been working! 😀

I’d also like to share a warning regarding my experience. What I did as far as going off of most of my medications is not for everyone – truthfully, it’s probably not for many people who are taking meds for mental health issues. Anxiety, depression, OCD, and other forms of mental illness are not to be taken lightly (just as any other forms of illness are not to be taken lightly). If you feel like you are in a pit of despair because of your symptoms, or you are taking medications for your symptoms but feel like they are making things worse, please seek out help! Know that there are people who care and who want to listen. Do some research and locate a good psychiatrist and/or therapist – if you don’t see one/both already – and follow the instructions and suggestions that they give you. Please don’t stop taking your meds without the approval and guidance of your care team. And if you ever need a listening ear…feel free to send me an email! I would love to hear your story. Thanks so much for reading! ❤

I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the LORD.

~ Psalm 40:1 – 3 (NLT)

Photo taken by: Crystal Knauss

Living with Lethargy

Lethargy – noun, plural lethargies
1. The quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity.
2. Pathology. an abnormal state or disorder characterized by overpowering drowsiness or sleep.
dictionary.com

I struggle a lot with lethargy. It’s been an unwanted companion of my depression for many years. I have to fight to get up in the morning. I have to fight to stay awake throughout the day. And I’m always very happy when bedtime comes around and I can tuck myself into bed for the night.

But it’s not just fighting against sleep. It’s an extreme lack of energy that inhibits me from accomplishing even small tasks. Taking a shower, preparing meals, and paying bills are a few examples of tasks that can be overwhelming to me.

Why is this such a struggle for me? Well, for one, it’s a symptom of my depression. And on top of that, it’s a side effect of several of the medicines that I take to help with my depression. Sometimes I feel like the medicines cause more harm than they do help…but looking back, I have been better on them than off them.

So what do I do to combat this lethargy? I try several different methods. One is that I aim to do everything in baby steps. By breaking down tasks into smaller chunks, it can be more manageable. A second technique is to give thanks for and to allow myself to feel good about the little tasks that I complete. This encourages me to keep pushing forward. Third, I make use of caffeine. I enjoy the taste of coffee and it contains the caffeine that I want, so you will often find me sipping on a cup of joe. And lastly, I have been doing a  Five Minute Energy Routine by Donna Eden on a daily basis. My therapist shared the routine with me, and although I don’t understand all of the science behind it, it does seem to help.

What are your tips for fighting lethargy? Do you have a specific idea or method that really works for you? I’d love to hear about it in the Comments! ❤

 

Photo by Vladislav Muslakov on Unsplash

A Magnet and Mindfulness

Tock tock tock tock tock tock tock tock.

The magnet makes this repetitive sound as it works on my brain. It doesn’t hurt – it’s just a little uncomfortable at times. But I’m really hoping and praying that these TMS (Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation) treatments are going to help with my severe depression.

A good thing is that my psychiatrist uses the time that I’m receiving my treatments to help me work on mindfulness and meditation. He says that practicing these breathing techniques should lengthen the efficacy of the TMS treatments. Prayerfully this will be accurate!

So this is generally how the TMS treatments work. I enter my psychiatrist’s office and he asks me to make myself comfortable in the treatment chair. He positions my head in the correct spot, and then lowers the magnet to cover it. I must remain as still as possible during the treatment, as the machine has been calibrated to stimulate a precise area of my brain.

I remain this way for about forty minutes. The magnet makes the “tock tock” sounds around every thirty seconds (when the magnet is delivering the current), and is quiet in between.

While the magnet is doing it’s thing, my psychiatrist has me practice several breathing techniques. The focused breathing helps me to stay relaxed and to combat any anxious or obsessive thoughts.

I have had fifteen treatments, and so far I have seen some progress. My sleep is better, and my negative thoughts are more controlled. Regarding my depression, I have also seen some improvement – and it seems to get a little better each day.

Thank you for everyone’s prayers and support. I need them on this new journey! ❤

 

Photo by Lesly B. Juarez on Unsplash