Is the way I feel right now
Can’t catch my breath
But I have to somehow
My heart is racing
Can’t slow the beat
My face is flushed
From so much heat
My head is throbbing
From all of the thoughts
That can’t be resolved
Though answers are sought
I’m terrifed. . .
I must surrender
All of the unknowns
He has our situation
Completely under control
All our waiting and hoping
Is not lost on God
The prayers and petitions
Have been received with a nod
Whatever the outcome
The Lord knows what’s best
And in the waiting
We have His peace and His rest
I wrote this today after finally receiving a callback from the nurse at our fertility office. I had an ultrasound and bloodwork done this morning, and was waiting with bated breath to find out the results. Before I received the call, we didn’t know if we would even be able to continue with the IVF process.
Thankfully, there is still hope…but there are so many unknowns. My body is not responding to the medicines I’m taking like they had planned. So we’re taking one day at a time, and waiting on God to see what happens. ❤
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The past week or so has been more than a little tiring.
Things started off well. I was blessed with some donated medicine from my fertility center, which had been prescribed for me in the past but we weren’t able to afford. It’s called Gonal-f and it’s used to help a woman develop a mature egg during her cycle. I was very grateful for this, but I wasn’t really prepared for how the medicine would affect me.
I learned to give myself the first injection of the Gonal-f Friday night, as my husband had to work and couldn’t help. I watched the instructional video numerous times and was finally able to administer the shot to myself successfully. I was proud of this. 🙂 Over the weekend and into the beginning of this week I have been able to give myself the injection around the same time each evening, as instructed. I’ve been excited to see if it will help.
After a day or two of the shots I started to feel really emotional and more depressed than I normally do. It seems that these can be side effects of the medicine…so I’ve been trying my best to stay upbeat and to express my emotions in healthy ways.
I think the medicine is also making me super tired. I haven’t felt like doing much of anything recently, and small tasks leave me feeling drained. It seems that the sleepiness can be a side effect of the medicine too – but all of the side effects will be well worth it if it helps me to conceive this cycle.
This fertility process has been quite the journey so far! My husband Roy and I have learned a lot of new terminology and information. We’ve made many visits to the fertility center (most of the time I go by myself, as Roy has to work, but he comes when he can and when he needs to). We’ve learned how to administer injections. I’ve received countless ultrasounds and blood testings. And we’ve had many highs and lows.
But we’re seeking God’s guidance and embarking on this journey together. Even though the process is stressful, it’s helping us to grow closer to each other. And we’re trying our best to remain hopeful for the future.
The rest we must leave in the Lord’s hands, trusting that He is good and that He knows what is best for us. ❤
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
“My body is broken.”
I couldn’t help but think this as I left the fertility center for the second time today.
I had gotten blood-work done in the morning, and within a few hours had received the news that I was not pregnant. Then I was required to return to the center in the afternoon for an endometrial scratch, which can help with implantation during my next cycle.
As I drove away from the office, my eyes welled up with tears.
I haven’t really cried very much throughout this process…but today it came through. It seems that no matter what medicines or shots I take to try to help, it just doesn’t work.
My husband is discouraged, too. He brought up the possibility of adoption again…but I told him that if these next few IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) cycles don’t work, we can hopefully try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).
It’s our last option for trying to conceive.
Well, I shouldn’t say “our last option.” God has the situation under control, and He could enable us to conceive at any time. We want what He wants, and will continue to pray accordingly.
But the waiting IS hard. The uncertainty. The negative pregnancy tests. These things are difficult to experience, but they are not enough to break our hope.
The Lord will always accomplish His perfect plan in our lives. For this reason, we keep going. Keep praying. Keep trusting. God will waste no part of our journey – and this brings us hope for tomorrow. ❤
Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash