I’m frickin’ angry.
I’m so incredibly tired.
I’m at a complete loss for what to think and how to respond to my continued inability to sleep and to the way it’s making me feel right now.
I want to just keep eating and eating this “comfort food.” Why not? It makes me feel “good” – or at least “okay” – for a few rotten moments…and then it bites me in the butt.
I need You, Daddy. I need You, my “Abba,” my gracious Father…I need You desperately. I know You’re here with me, but I’m having a hard time “feeling” Your presence. I wish You could physically embrace me so that I could “experience” the comfort of your touch…but I can only “sense” Your strong (yet gentle) “arms” around me now with “tingling skin” of faith.
Where are You, God?
Are you in this fiery trial with me, or have You left me all alone?
I know the answer. I know the truth…
I am not alone. You are right here with me, in this fire. Protecting me from the effects of the billowing flames.
You’ve been here before. You’ve felt what I’m feeling. You understand completely.
I am known and loved.
I am cherished and adored.
I have worth.
I have value.
I am fashioned in Your image, and you have declared Your creation of me as “very good.”
I am Your “masterpiece,” …Your “poem”!
You are writing my “story” – the story of my life.
You, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, care about me…and You care about everything that concerns me!
You are incredibly and delightfully and utterly GOOD –
All of the time. Now and forevermore…
My Faithful Father. 💜
What do you do when God says “not yet”?
You wait. And you listen. And you pray. And you try to rest in His love.
That’s what I’ve been attempting to do since I got the call late yesterday afternoon that the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) procedure that Roy and I had undergone was unsuccessful, and that I was not pregnant.
I can’t say that it’s been easy. Even though this was only our first cycle of utilizing the extra support of an infertility specialist to help us conceive, I still managed to get my hopes up. I still thought that there was a possibility that the procedure would be successful, and that we would be able to start a new journey of carrying and raising a child. And there WAS a possibility…but it wasn’t the right time.
Am I angry? I was at first. Am I frustrated? Definitely felt some frustration. Am I sad and hurt and disappointed? Yes, yes, and yes. But I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God knows what’s best for Roy and for me, and I know that His timing is perfect.
So where do we go from here?
Well, we start another cycle and see what happens. We try again.
I put in a call to the office requesting a meeting with my doctor (we had a consultation with him before we began this whole process, but since then we’ve been working mainly with the nurses). He is going to give me a call in a week so that we can discuss what he thinks would be the best way for us to proceed. I don’t know if he’s going to want us to try another IUI, or if he will recommend IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). We’ll see what he says!
It’s amazing how God has been speaking to my heart since we got the news yesterday. While I was reading today’s installment of “Our Daily Bread” this morning, I came across a well-known (but difficult to truly believe and apply) passage of Scripture that was comforting:
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them…” ~ Romans 8:28 (NLT)
This reminded me that God desires the best for Roy and me, and that He is working in our lives according to His perfect plan!
What’s even more encouraging (and convicting) is the truth found in the verse following this passage of Scripture:
“For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” ~ Romans 8:29 (NLT)
God wants me (and all of His children) to be made like Jesus! His main goal for us is not for us to “be happy” or to “get what we want.” He wants to shape us into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ, in order to bring glory to Himself!
Now this doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want us to have joy. But we can have joy through our relationship with Him and through being grateful for all that God has given us already, instead of basing our happiness on that “thing” or “experience” or “relationship” that we think will fulfill us. If we attempt to find our joy in any other place than in the person of Jesus Christ, we will be chasing the wind and will be ultimately unfulfilled.
All that to say…is it difficult to wait? Yes. Is it disappointing to not receive the answer that we are longing for? Definitely. But we MUST believe God when He tells us that He knows what is best for us and that He is working on behalf of our best interests. Praise God – He is so good!
I want to end with a quote that my Mom came across in a book that she’s going through in her Women’s Bible Study at church. It really hit me, and I hope that you will be able to pray it along with me:
“Lord, I am willing
To receive what You give.
To lack what You withhold.
To relinquish what You take,
To suffer what You inflict,
To be what you require.”