I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now, I don’t even know where to start. This past Wednesday, I was discharged from the behavioral health program that I had been attending for twelve weeks. I learned so much during this time, and I definitely feel like it was worth it. I acquired knowledge about myself and my illness. I learned coping skills to use when I am overcome with anxiety. And I regained the hope that I had been lacking for quite some time.
However, this is not the end of the race. Already I have faced challenges that make me doubt my progress, because of how I have responded to them. I had a follow-up psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, and I prepared for it by printing out directions and by using my GPS–but somehow I still ended up getting lost. My panic in those moments of trying to figure out where I was and how I was going to get to the doctor’s office and would there be any consequences, was strong, and I was unable to overlook it. I was so worked up when I walked in late to the Dr.’s appointment that it took me a good fifteen minutes sitting with the doctor just to calm down. Needless to say, my anxiety is still there.
Then I was finally able to get in touch with someone from Temporary Disability yesterday, who I have been trying to reach for a month, only to learn that my application had been denied again because of a discrepancy about the dates listed. But thankfully, they told me what I can do to fix this error, after which there is a possibility that I could be approved for benefits. Praise God!
Nothing is ever easy, and nothing will ever be perfect. I really need to come to terms with these truths. I want to float through life without any pain or problems, but that is just not the reality of how the world works. God has allowed difficulties into our lives–into MY life–so that we will draw closer to Him. The sooner I accept these realities, the more prepared I will be to face what is ahead.
All I can say is that I’m SO glad that God is holding onto me–and that my relationship with Him doesn’t depend on my ability to hold on to Him. He will never let me go, and because of this truth, I have the strength and hope to move forward.
“You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life I won’t turn back I know You are near
And I will fear no evil For my God is with me And if my God is with me Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go Through the calm and through the storm Oh no, You never let go In every high and every low Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on A glorious light beyond all compare And there will be an end to these troubles But until that day comes We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on And there will be an end to these troubles But until that day comes Still I will praise You, still I will praise You