Tag: anxiety

A Day in the Life

I felt a little down today. It started off with my sleeping through two alarms and not having enough time to make lunch for my Hubby to take to work with him. But he was gracious about it, and I did have enough time to jump in the shower and get ready to begin my work day.

Yes, I’m working now! 🙂 It’s only a few hours a day, but it’s still something. I grade student essays from my computer at home and give them a score based on certain criteria. It makes me think a lot and sometimes gives me a headache, but I’m grateful for the opportunity. I really struggle with working because of my depression, anxiety, and OCD…(with this job I’m having a difficult time with my perfectionism), but I’m trying my best. You can be praying, though, because the job only lasts a month or two…and then I’ll need a new one. Thank you!

The day got a little better after work: I took our dog, Daisy, for a nice walk…it was beautiful outside! I was also able to sit a talk for a few minutes with one of our neighbors. It’s amazing how much a little fresh air can help.

I did some laundry, washed some dishes, and job-searched until my Hubby got home from work. And now it’s time to make dinner and probably watch some TV. Not an overly exciting day, but at least I’m feeling a little better than I was this morning. I’m going to try to get to bed at a decent time so I can start fresh tomorrow morning.

How was YOUR day? Was it good, bad, or somewhere in between? I’d like to hear, so feel free to share in the comments!

Photo Credit: Rawpixel

Dear Depression

Have you ever wanted to reach out to your depression (or anxiety, or any other illness), as if the illness were an actual *thing* that you could speak to and interact with?

I have, sometimes. Depression affects my life so much that I would like to tell it a thing or two about how it makes me feel, and how I will respond to it’s grip on my existence.

So here is a letter that I have written, to my depression.

Dear Depression,

I know you’re there. I can see you at work in my life, causing me to feel lethargic and listless, and like I will never be able to accomplish the tasks that I need to (much less do something that I find pleasure in).

You’re there when I wake up in the morning, and you’re there when I go to sleep at night. But just because you’re there doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight against you with all of my heart.

You want me to stay in bed all day so that I feel guilty and useless…but I’m going to force myself to get up and start the day, and rely on God to face whatever He has ahead. You want me to stay indoors so that I feel isolated and confined…but I’m going to make sure I get outside and feel the sun on my skin, either by walking the dog or taking a short trip in my car. And you want me to have a pessimistic attitude regarding life’s up’s and down’s…but I’m going to speak truth to myself: that even though life is difficult and I am struggling, my Father is with me and I can accomplish anything that he has planned for me to do.

Depression, I really can’t stand you! But for some reason, God has allowed you into my life…and I WILL learn to make the best of it. I will find things to be grateful for. I will take baby steps towards my goals and plans. I will engage in the activities that I used to enjoy – even though I don’t find the same pleasure in them now – because I believe that the Lord can re-ignite my passion for them. He has a purpose for me, and I will do my best to walk in it.

You big, black, ugly cloud of sorrow…you deep, dark, terrifying pit…THANK YOU. Thank you for causing me to rely on God. Thank you for allowing me to experience these heart-wrenching feelings so that I can understand other people who are in a similar situation. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reach out to these people because I can appreciate at least some of what they’re going through.

You may be strong, depression…but you’re not stronger than my God. And while I may always need to fight a battle with you, I will not allow you to win the war. You will be defeated – if not in this lifetime, in the life to come. And while you’re still a part of my life, I want to tell you this:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation [including depression], will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38-39

~ Crystal

Photo Credit: Luis Llerena

Living With Doubt…and the Words I Need to Hear

I’ve struggled with doubt for as long as I can remember.

At first I struggled with doubt about my salvation/my relationship with God. I prayed over and over again to ask Jesus to come into my life, but then I questioned if I had prayed “correctly.” Ironically, after this uncertainty, I would worry that I had relied on “works” to save me instead of God (by trying to pray in a “perfect” manner). Needless to say, there were many times when these thoughts induced a frenzy of anxiety and fear – often coupled with headaches and tears.

Thankfully, I don’t struggle with this particular doubt any longer, as I have realized that God isn’t like that. He doesn’t require perfection from me. He wants me to trust Him and rely on Him.

Did that make any sense? Have you ever had thoughts similar to this? (It’s okay to think “no”) 😉

I know that a lot of it is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The OCD is what ignites the insatiable desire to perform tasks “perfectly” and to think “correctly.” But I also know that this isn’t what is required of me. I just need a way to switch over from my OCD thoughts to healthy thoughts.

What thoughts does God want me to think on when I’m feeling doubtful and perfectionistic? What are the words that I need to hear and believe?

  1. I am loved (John 3:16).
  2. I am strong in God’s strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
  3. I am forgiven (1 John 1:9).
  4. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
  5. I am unique (Isaiah 64:8).
  6. I am skilled (1 Peter 4:10).
  7. I have the ability to accomplish everything God has called me to do. (Philippians 4:13).
  8. I am enough (1 Corinthians 3:16).

These are just a few affirmations that I want to remember when I’m struggling with doubt. And I still do struggle with it. I doubt my abilities, I doubt my worth, I doubt the quality of tasks that I complete – to name a few.

But I have to remind myself of the truth – let it wash over my mind. God is speaking the words I long to hear…I just need to listen. ❤

P.S. Thank you for reading…I know that my struggles are a little strange, but I wanted to be open and honest about them in the hopes that I can be of help to someone else.