Overcoming my Writing Fears

Enjoying a delicious latte at a cute coffee shop in Harrisburg

I was convicted the other day about how unfaithful I have been with using the gifts and abilities that God has given me.

I love to write, but I procrastinate and make excuses – because I’m afraid.

Afraid that no one will like what I write. Afraid that my writing won’t be any good. Afraid that it won’t be helpful to anyone – that it just won’t “click” with people. Afraid that it won’t be the “perfect” post that I’m so driven to create.

I’m also afraid of what other people will think and say about my writing. Will they laugh at me? Will they think I’m a joke? Will they be upset or offended that I’m trying to share my struggles with mental health? With motherhood? With my faith?

God, forgive me for fearing man above you! Forgive me for not being a faithful steward of the abilities that You’ve given me – for wasting Your gifts instead of using them for Your glory. Forgive me for doubting Your calling, for second-guessing myself, for putting off writing (and other tasks) because I’m too scared, for thinking that this gift of writing isn’t “as good as” others’ gifts – even though I believe my gift is from you.

Help me, Father! Help me to have the energy and motivation to write. To share freely with others the lessons that You are teaching me. To recount the little victories that You give me as I trust in You and obey You each day.

Several weeks ago I found an old Christmas card from several of our friends who live far away. It was an encouragement to read it again! And the most encouraging (and motivating) part was the note from one of these friends sharing that they enjoyed my blog posts, and that they had really connected with them. That my writing helped them not to feel so alone. That they felt heard and understood.

Isn’t this a good enough reason to continue writing?

Motivate me each day, Lord, to offer this gift to you, and to allow You to use it (and me) as You see fit. I love you, Daddy!

Your Beloved Daughter,

Crystal

Live Like You’re Loved

“Live like you know you’re valuable
Like you know the one that holds your soul
Cause mercy has called you by your name
Don’t be afraid to live in that grace

I’m tellin’ you somethin’
This God we believe in
Yeah, He changed everything
No more guilt! No more shame!
He took all that away
Gave us a reason to sing

So go ahead and live like you’re loved
It’s okay to act like you’ve been set free
His love has made you more than enough
So go ahead and be who He made you to be

And live like you’re loved.”

~ Hawk Nelson, “Live Like You’re Loved”

I have a difficult time with living like I’m loved. I know in my heart that God loves me and that I am valuable to Him, but sometimes my mind likes to cause me to doubt this fact. It’s those thoughts that creep in unawares, telling me that I haven’t lived perfectly so God must be mad at me…or that I’m being “proud” by thinking I did a good job at something…or that I didn’t do as well as [insert name here], so I must be lacking in some way.

Do you ever have a problem with this?

I think it started when I was very young, and I didn’t feel like I was loved by a member of my family. I would seek that love, that tenderness, and that affection through my performance – whether it be in school or somewhere else. I would try my best to get straight A’s on my report card, to win first place at the Science Fair, or to excel at any number of tasks, with the hope of gaining the love that I so longed for.

But God tells me – and YOU – that He doesn’t love us based on our performance. He loves us because He created us, and created us in His image. We are His children. Jesus showed us how much we are worth to Him by giving his life to cleanse us from our sins.

We have value!

So even though it won’t happen overnight, I would like to re-vamp the way that I perceive myself. I want to see myself the way God sees me: as worthy, as loved, as valuable, as priceless, as unique, as….enough.

I want to “live like I’m loved!” Will you join me? ❤

Photo Credit: Julia Caesar

 

A Day in the Life

I felt a little down today. It started off with my sleeping through two alarms and not having enough time to make lunch for my Hubby to take to work with him. But he was gracious about it, and I did have enough time to jump in the shower and get ready to begin my work day.

Yes, I’m working now! 🙂 It’s only a few hours a day, but it’s still something. I grade student essays from my computer at home and give them a score based on certain criteria. It makes me think a lot and sometimes gives me a headache, but I’m grateful for the opportunity. I really struggle with working because of my depression, anxiety, and OCD…(with this job I’m having a difficult time with my perfectionism), but I’m trying my best. You can be praying, though, because the job only lasts a month or two…and then I’ll need a new one. Thank you!

The day got a little better after work: I took our dog, Daisy, for a nice walk…it was beautiful outside! I was also able to sit a talk for a few minutes with one of our neighbors. It’s amazing how much a little fresh air can help.

I did some laundry, washed some dishes, and job-searched until my Hubby got home from work. And now it’s time to make dinner and probably watch some TV. Not an overly exciting day, but at least I’m feeling a little better than I was this morning. I’m going to try to get to bed at a decent time so I can start fresh tomorrow morning.

How was YOUR day? Was it good, bad, or somewhere in between? I’d like to hear, so feel free to share in the comments!

Photo Credit: Rawpixel