Tag: religion

Spiraling Downward

The past several days my mood has spiraled downward. There have been pockets of light in the darkness – but not many. I find myself wanting to sleep constantly…and a lot of times I give in to the desire. How do I get out of this horrible pit?

My psychiatrist wants me to increase the dosage of one of my medications, but I’m still waiting to receive the meds in the mail. I’m hoping that this dosage change is going to help stabilize my mood. If it doesn’t, I’m not sure what the next step should be.

My work-from-home job has ended for the school season (I graded student essays), and I really need to find something else to do to help bring in money…and to keep me on a schedule. Without the need to get up for work, I tend to just stay in bed. And I can’t keep doing this – I’ve got to break out of this cycle!

Unfortunately sleep is my coping mechanism. When I feel deeply depressed, or face a task that is overwhelming, or just want to give up…I turn to sleep. I know that this isn’t pleasing to the Lord, and that it’s not a good use of the time He’s given me. But it’s a moment-by-moment struggle for which I need all of the prayers that I can get.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for praying. I really appreciate it. ❤

Why I Can Be Grateful for My Depression

I wrote yesterday about how much I hate my depression – and I DO hate it. But I realized today that because God has allowed this illness into my life, there must be some things about it for which I can be grateful.

Experiencing depression (along with anxiety and OCD) has allowed me to better understand other people who are struggling with the same illness(es). I’ve received messages from people who stumble across my blog and are so grateful, because it helped them feel like they were not so alone in their struggles. For this I am thankful to God! I’ve also become more empathetic towards people that I meet in day-to-day life. Everyone struggles with something, and I’ve found that because of my fight with depression, I am more sensitive to what others may be going through.

I’m also grateful for how it has taught me to rely on God more fully. When everything is going well in my life, I have less cause to reach out to the Lord for help. But when I am in a moment-by-moment battle, it forces me to cry out to God for strength, wisdom, and peace. So although I hate my depression and all that it entails, I can also be thankful – because my Father is teaching me that I can’t fight this battle in my own strength. I need His help!

Another reason why I can be grateful for my depression is that it’s taught me to think more positively. When you have depression, you often feel like you’re stuck in a deep, dark pit. You don’t exactly feel like being positive! But by keeping my eyes open each day for things to be grateful for, God has enabled me to change my perspective and to focus on the good things instead of the bad.

Depression has helped me to understand more fully the value of life – of each day, each moment. There have been times when I’ve wanted to end it all…when I didn’t want to go on anymore. Thank God He protected me! And even though I still struggle sometimes to see the purpose in another day with depression, I think that the Lord is slowly teaching me that He has a plan for me – and that each day is a gift.

Lastly, struggling with depression has shown me that I have many people in my life who love me, support me, and are willing to help me in any way that they can. From my husband, to my family, to my friends, to my neighbors, to my blogging community – I have a lot of people on my side. And that means…that I am not alone.

So although there are many reasons why I hate my depression, there are also reasons why I can be grateful for it. And I pray that God will teach me new reasons every day. ❤

Photo Credit: Eli DeFaria

Even If You Don’t

There is a song called “Even If,” by MercyMe, that sums up what I’m feeling right now. You can listen to the song here. The chorus of the song goes like this:

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

I don’t know why this deep depression and overwhelming anxiety have been allowed into my life. I certainly don’t want them. I hate them. And it seems no matter how hard I fight, they’re always there waiting for me.

This weekend was supposed to an opportunity for my Hubby and me to accomplish some things around the house, as well as spend some quality time together. Well, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleeping is my escape mechanism – when I’m sleeping, I don’t have to deal with life. I feel the cloud of depression suffocating me…so I lay down, and shut my mind off. But I know that this isn’t right.

Something else I know is that God – if it were His will – could take away these trials in a moment. And yet He doesn’t. He chooses to allow the depression and anxiety in my life. Why? I’m not certain. But I have to trust that He will bring something good out of it, as is stated in Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I must continue to fight my way out of this pit! I can’t give in to this desire to sleep all of the time. I have to keep finding things to be grateful for, and maintain a positive perspective. I need to have faith that God has a purpose in all of this! I must put my hope in Him alone.

What is it that you’re going through right now? Have you sought to put your hope in God alone, no matter how He chooses to work (or not work)?

Photo Credit: Cristian Newman