Tag: spirituality

Waiting

So today has been a day characterized by waiting.

My Hubby Roy and I had a procedure called an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) performed several weeks go as part of our ongoing attempt to become pregnant. I’ve been required to take two types of progesterone daily to help sustain a pregnancy if it did occur. The first week or so of waiting wasn’t all that bad. But the past several days – especially today – have been very difficult, because I was told that I would have the results from my bloodwork by the end of today, which would tell whether or not I am pregnant.

I still don’t have an answer. I’ve been completely stressed out since I had the blood drawn this morning. My breathing is erratic and my heartbeat is racing. I’ve already called twice to try to figure out what is going on (normally a nurse from the office calls me back within a few hours with my results), but the first time I had to leave a message, and the second time I talked to someone who told me that they are short-staffed today and that someone would get back to me by the end of the day.

Argh!!!

I just want to know now. I want to know if I’m pregnant, or if we’re going to have to try another cycle. My family and friends are awaiting the results also, but I can’t get back to them since I don’t have the information myself. I know I’m going to be very disappointed if I didn’t get pregnant this cycle…and for this reason it’s actually a tad bit of a relief that I haven’t received the results yet (they haven’t told me one way or the other, so there is still a possibility that I could be pregnant). In any case, the waiting is agonizing.

I know that I shouldn’t be stressing out so much – it doesn’t help. It doesn’t accomplish anything. And God doesn’t want me to worry. So I decided to attempt to “get out” how I’m feeling and put it into writing. At least this way I’m keeping my mind busy and being productive.

I believe that God is in control, and that He knows what’s best for Roy and me. If I didn’t get pregnant this cycle we’ll just have to keep trying. The more time that passes, the more difficult and frustrating things will probably get. But I have to keep trusting that my God is good, and that He will work according to His purpose and plan.

In the meantime, would you say a prayer for my Hubby and me? Your support is greatly appreciated. And as always, thanks for reading. ❤

 

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Friday Night Ramblings

Well, it’s Friday. Another week gone by. Another amalgamation of victories and triumphs mixed with shortcomings and defeats. Another accumulation of experiences to learn from.

The weeks seem to be flying by so quickly. I really don’t know what happened to the summer. It was here for a moment, and then it was gone. And now Autumn is almost upon us. I can’t help but ask myself: am I growing? am I progressing? am I improving? am I taking those baby steps that I so long to take?

And the answer? I really don’t know.

I need to take some time to think and to ponder and to look back on these past few months. I feel like everything is just mashed together – all the up’s and the down’s, all the good’s and the bad’s. It’s so easy to just keep steamrolling forward, and to leave the past in my wake without a second thought. But I don’t want to do that.

So what has happened over the past couple of months? For one, I’ve been struggling a lot with sleep. It has been extremely elusive. I lay in bed for hours at night, my body exhausted and attempting to rest but my mind still awake and somewhat cognizant. I really, REALLY wish I had an “off” switch for my brain. I do the best I can to prepare myself for slumber, but most of the time my efforts are in vain. And it doesn’t help that the medicine that used to help me drift off into dreamland is one that is not safe to take while attempting to get pregnant.

So about trying to get pregnant…it’s tough. The Hubby and I have been trying for about six months so far without being successful. We are now seeing a fertility specialist who will hopefully increase our chances of conceiving. But it’s a difficult process. Lots of blood-work and ultrasounds. Lots of terminology that baffles me. Lots of information to process. But we’re praying that if it is what God wants, He will enable us to have a child. He knows what is best – and we’re trying to rest in that knowledge as time progresses.

I don’t mean for this post to have a sullen undertone. God has been good. Roy and I were blessed to share some fun times this summer. We were able to visit the beach and boardwalk numerous times, to spend time with family and friends, to explore a new destination called Grounds for Sculpture, and to experience some really special moments. I need to be and want to be and am trying to be grateful. He has done so much for us!

I guess I just feel weighed down. Tired. Somewhat discouraged. The Hubby and I have several decisions that we need to make, and they are big ones. The future seems scary and overwhelming right now. But I know…I just KNOW that God has already walked the path that He is leading us on, and that we need only to trust and to follow. To seek His wisdom and to be obedient. It’s a difficult process, but it’s one that will mold us and shape us into the people that He wants us to be. And it will open doors for the types of ministries that He would have us to be involved in.

I really want to make an impact. To help people who are hurting. To use the gifts that God has given me to be a blessing. But I don’t quite know how to do that! I would ask you, if you have a moment, to pray for me. That God would ignite the passions that He has instilled in me and show me – very specifically – how to use them. Pray for my husband, also. He works so hard, and I know he is tired and disheartened. He also wants to make a difference, but is lacking the time and the means to do so.

Anyway, that’s probably enough rambling for one blog post. 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and for caring. I want to leave you (and myself) feeling encouraged, so I will end with this promise from God:

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
~ Isaiah 41:10

God’s got us! And He will never let us go. So take that next baby step with hope and confidence and joy. You may not know what you will encounter, but He does. And as the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, He has both the desire and the ability to work in such a way that will bring growth for us and glory for His name. ❤

 

Photo taken by Crystal Knauss at Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton Township, NJ

How to Soar

I wrote this poem several days ago but haven’t been able to post it until now. It was inspired by something incredibly sweet that was said to me by a friend – words that really encouraged me and made me feel like God was using me to be a help to her.

How to Soar

Tears of joy stream down my cheek…
I’ve never felt this way before;
That God, who answers as I seek,
Has led me through an open door.
The choices I’ve made – both bad and good –
He’s used to cleanse and change my heart,
Even though I have never understood
Why He’s allowed the things that tore me apart.
I know my God is good – He’s proven it’s true;
And He’s shown me time and time again
That if I will only follow His cue,
He’ll guide and direct me to the end.
I don’t know what He has in store,
But I know He wants what’s best for me;
He’s slowly teaching me how to soar
How to let go, and how to live as free.

© by Crystal Knauss

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash