“My body is broken.”
I couldn’t help but think this as I left the fertility center for the second time today.
I had gotten blood-work done in the morning, and within a few hours had received the news that I was not pregnant. Then I was required to return to the center in the afternoon for an endometrial scratch, which can help with implantation during my next cycle.
As I drove away from the office, my eyes welled up with tears.
I haven’t really cried very much throughout this process…but today it came through. It seems that no matter what medicines or shots I take to try to help, it just doesn’t work.
My husband is discouraged, too. He brought up the possibility of adoption again…but I told him that if these next few IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) cycles don’t work, we can hopefully try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).
It’s our last option for trying to conceive.
Well, I shouldn’t say “our last option.” God has the situation under control, and He could enable us to conceive at any time. We want what He wants, and will continue to pray accordingly.
But the waiting IS hard. The uncertainty. The negative pregnancy tests. These things are difficult to experience, but they are not enough to break our hope.
The Lord will always accomplish His perfect plan in our lives. For this reason, we keep going. Keep praying. Keep trusting. God will waste no part of our journey – and this brings us hope for tomorrow. ❤
Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash
I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been moody, irritable, tired, and more anxious and depressed than normal.
My fertility doctor recently increased my progesterone medication, as the lower dosage I had taken last cycle wasn’t enough. It’s really been affecting me poorly.
Yesterday I had somewhat of a breakdown. After sleeping much of the day (mainly because I couldn’t sleep at night), I finally found the strength to take a shower. In the shower I begged God to provide some sort of help or relief – for Him to somehow get me through this struggle.
He didn’t disappoint.
As I was getting dressed, one of my favorite songs came on the radio: “Thy Will,” by Hillary Scott. It’s a favorite song of mine because in many of the trials I’ve gone through – especially with my mental health – it’s helped me to express my heart to God when I had no strength or energy to formulate words.
The song basically talks about not understanding the place that God has you in, and feeling overwhelmed at the difficulty of your trial. But the climax of the song comes when the artist fully surrenders the situation to God and says, “Thy will be done.”
I knelt on the floor in the bathroom and began to sob. No matter how hard things were at the moment, what the Lord desired of me was surrender. Surrender to His will. Surrender to His plan and purpose. Surrender to His sovereignty. And surrender to His goodness and love.
God had His way. I surrendered the situation to Him…and I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It wouldn’t be easy – and I would need to surrender to His will each day – but through His strength I knew that I would be able to persevere…one baby step at a time. ❤
Photo by Jordan McQueen on Unsplash
What causes me to unravel?
That’s a great question! And a question that I have never really asked myself before. So now is as good a time as ever! 🙂 Here are some things that induce a melt-down…or a mini-meltdown.
- Situations where I’m among a large crowd of people (okay, so even a semi-large crowd is difficult for me). This causes me a lot of anxiety.
- When I’ve lost something and have looked everywhere I can think of for it, but still can’t find it.
- Incorrect grammar. Okay, so maybe it doesn’t cause me to unravel, as I know I use incorrect grammar myself sometimes. But it bugs me. 😉
- Not getting enough sleep. It’s so hard to face the day when you tossed and turned the night before.
- Not “matching.” If I’m wearing black pants, I need to wear black shoes and carry a black purse to match.
- Something not being finished. Whether it be a thought, a blog post I’m writing, a conversation, a task I was working on…it bothers me to not have things completed.
- Hot and humid weather. Ugh! I’m a mild weather kind of girl – I like the Spring and the Fall. But when it’s hot and muggy and sweat is rolling down my back? Yeah, I’m done.
- When someone I love is hurting. This is a big one. I can’t stand it when a family member or friend is experiencing a really difficult time. Especially when I can’t do much to help!
- Decisions. Big or small, I struggle with them all.
- When I do something that I shouldn’t have done…like sleep all morning. I tend to beat myself up and it spirals downward.
So those are some of the things that cause me to unravel. What causes YOU to unravel? And what (or who) helps to bring you back to sanity?
I’m grateful for a God and for family and friends who point me back in the right direction. ❤