Faithful Father

Daddy and his little boy.

I’m frickin’ angry.

I’m so incredibly tired.

I’m at a complete loss for what to think and how to respond to my continued inability to sleep and to the way it’s making me feel right now.

I want to just keep eating and eating this “comfort food.” Why not? It makes me feel “good” – or at least “okay” – for a few rotten moments…and then it bites me in the butt.

I need You, Daddy. I need You, my “Abba,” my gracious Father…I need You desperately. I know You’re here with me, but I’m having a hard time “feeling” Your presence. I wish You could physically embrace me so that I could “experience” the comfort of your touch…but I can only “sense” Your strong (yet gentle) “arms” around me now with “tingling skin” of faith.

Where are You, God?

Are you in this fiery trial with me, or have You left me all alone?

I know the answer. I know the truth…

I am not alone. You are right here with me, in this fire. Protecting me from the effects of the billowing flames.

You’ve been here before. You’ve felt what I’m feeling. You understand completely.

I am known and loved.

I am cherished and adored.

I have worth.

I have value.

I am fashioned in Your image, and you have declared Your creation of me as “very good.”

I am Your “masterpiece,” …Your “poem”!

You are writing my “story” – the story of my life.

You, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, care about me…and You care about everything that concerns me!

You are incredibly and delightfully and utterly GOOD –

All of the time. Now and forevermore…

My Faithful Father. 💜

When Things Don’t Go As Planned

My husband and I were hoping to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). Since nothing else was working, we thought it’d be the logical next step for us. But we weren’t expecting a crazy “rest” cycle in between.

A rest cycle in which I just ovulated today, on day 56. A rest cycle where we were forced to use some of the medication that was set aside for our IVF cycle. A rest cycle that has been anything but restful.

I think that since I didn’t start off taking any fertility medications this cycle, my body just didn’t know what to do. At one point I started spotting, and I figured my period was about to begin. But the days continued to pass uneventfully, and it wasn’t until I insisted on going in to the doctor’s office for blood-work and an US (Ultrasound) that we learned I hadn’t even ovulated yet. It feels like this cycle is just going on and on.

Recently I’ve been having a difficult time remaining grateful regarding our fertility journey. Things just aren’t going as planned. We pray and pray, and yet are left with more questions than answers. What is God doing?

But if I’m honest, there are things that point to God’s involvement in our situation.

For example, we were told by our doctor to purchase the medications that we would need for IVF during our previous cycle. Little did we know that we wouldn’t be able to use them any time soon – and several of the medications have a very short shelf-life. We were worried that they would be wasted, or that we would need to use them prematurely. Even thought we’ve been forced to use some of them to jump-start this “rest” cycle that we’re in, our nurses have been generous enough to give us a few replacement medications – which we can use if we do move on to IVF.

Although things have been frustrating for my husband and me, we know that God is still in control. We need to trust that God is there, working. Working for His glory and our good. And that He wants to teach us and grow us through this process.

P.S. Thank you to all those who have prayed for us during this journey. We are truly grateful! ❤

Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

Blessings in Traffic Jams and Other Trials

I spent most of today on the road or in a time of waiting. Not the most pleasant of circumstances, but it could most definitely be worse…and there were still positive things to be learned.

My husband, Roy, and I drove to the fertility doctor’s office in separate cars early this morning to prepare for an IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) procedure. It’s a little bit of a trek and there was a good amount of traffic, but we made it there safely for our seventh IUI. Roy had his appointment and then headed off to work, and I drove to a close-by Dunkin’ for a few hours until my appointment times.

When I went in to the office for my ultrasound, I was hopeful that I had released so that the timing for the IUI procedure would coincide. But my body didn’t cooperate. They had me get blood drawn to try to see where my levels were. Then they went ahead and performed the IUI, hoping I would ovulate soon.

The procedure went well, thank the Lord. But my body still needed to catch up. They told me to return later in the afternoon to repeat the ultrasound, so they could confirm that I had released. So I headed home to eat and to check on our pets.

When I returned to the office in the afternoon the traffic was worse. This is normal I’m sure, but I don’t drive a lot, so it had me stressed out. I was getting frustrated and in a negative mindset. But God would help me with that soon.

At the office they performed a second ultrasound…and I still hadn’t released. This was discouraging, as I felt like the IUI procedure would be wasted. But the nurse talked with me and explained that she was convinced I would ovulate in the next few hours and that the IUI could still be effective.

On the drive home I listened to the radio to counteract the stress from traffic, and a song played that I hadn’t heard in a while – it’s called “Blessings,” by Laura Story. The chorus goes like this:

“What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

I began to realize that the traffic jams and the waiting and the fact that my body didn’t seem to be cooperating were not just annoyances – they were blessings, and they had a purpose. It took hearing that song to remind me that God was working in me through these traffic jams and other trials, and that I could let go and receive whatever came from His loving hands.

Maybe you’re going through trials of your own today. How can you see them as blessings instead of as burdens? ❤

Photo by Sonja Guina on Unsplash