Tag: grace

From Tears of Hurt to Tears of Joy

I hate my weaknesses. I hate my infirmities. I hate the areas in which I struggle, the areas in which I fall short, the areas in which I fail. I want to be in control. I want to be able to take care of myself. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be perfect.

It’s a constant tension. Trying to do things on my own, or letting go and relying on God. Getting upset and angry when I fall short, or trying to be thankful for and accepting of God’s grace. Does anyone else have this struggle?

I read something in 31 Days of Praise today that, truthfully, made me angry at first. I’ll share it with you:

“Thank You (God) that I can trust You to remove or change any of my weaknesses and handicaps and shortcomings the moment they are no longer needed for Your glory, and for my good, and for the good of other people…and that in the meantime, Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.”

Now I know these points are true, but it certainly doesn’t seem like God wants to remove or change my weaknesses and handicaps and shortcomings. The anxiety and depression have been going on for over fifteen years–isn’t that long enough? And how exactly is He getting glory from these struggles of mine? How am I being benefited? And how are others being helped?

I guess it’s not for me to know these things. It’s just for me to trust. But it’s so damn difficult! I just want the struggles to go away!

On the other hand, I know that there are people who struggle with worse things than I do. I am still physically healthy for the most part. I have a husband, family, and friends who love me. I have food and clothing and a roof over my head. And I have hope. I have God. I have an eternity with Him.

I know–I have to believe–that some day I will look back from the other side of this trial, and I will see the good in it. How it has brought glory to God. How it has benefited me. And how it has helped others. Or maybe I won’t see until heaven.

But I CAN look back on other things in my past–things that I didn’t think I would get through–and be able to say with gratefulness that God carried me to the other side. That the difficulties made me stronger. And that although I may not have been able to help throngs of people, I was given opportunities to share what I had been through, if only to help someone else feel that they were not alone.

Even though tears stream down my face right now and they are tears of hurt and frustration, I’ve got to believe that some day I will be able to look back and there will be tears of joy.

Because that’s what my God says. And even if everything flies in the face of what He says is true, I must take Him at His Word. I must hold on to Him with all of my strength, and not let go. Because He hasn’t let go of me.

Photo Credit: Desktop Nexus

A Heartfelt Thank You

My Loving Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for encouraging me today. Yesterday pretty much sucked; but today gave me hope!

I got an answer that I had been waiting for. It was a yes. 🙂

I got some help that I was looking for. I pray that it will propel me forward.

And all I can say is, with all of my heart:

THANK YOU.

Thank you that I now have hope that things are going to be okay.

Please renew this sense of hope each morning, along with Your endless mercy and grace.

I love you!

Your Adoring Daughter,

~Crystal

The Perfectionism Monster

Scared. Out. Of. My. Mind. That’s how I was feeling regarding our church hand-bell rehearsal yesterday. We will be playing for the first time during our church’s morning services this upcoming Sunday, and I was not feeling ready–at all.

A lot of it has to do with my perfectionism. I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist; and not proud of it! 🙂 I have a deep yearning to meet all expectations, please every person that I come in contact with, excel at every opportunity that I undertake, and never, EVER, make a mistake.

I believe that at least some of my desire for perfection stems from my struggles with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Another part of it could spring from incidences in my past which made me feel un-loved.

Maybe you can empathize with me? With the craving to have all things work out just as planned? It’s like I want everything wrapped up with a neat little ribbon before being introduced into my life. How far from reality this expectation really is!

But how to combat it? It seems to infiltrate every aspect of my being. I try to fight it, but it only seems to grow stronger–like a cookie-monster whose acquisition of cookies does not satiate him, like it should, but only causes his desire for cookies to grow.

cookie-monster

The only way that I know to counteract this natural tendency of mine is to kill it with grace. Yes, God wants us to be “perfect,” (or complete) and “holy,” (or set apart from sin). But He also knows that this is a process, and that it is not something that happens overnight!

I (and all followers of Christ) are in the process of being sanctified–or being transformed, moment-by-moment, into the image of Jesus. This is accomplished through reading God’s Word, through prayer, through fellowship with other believers, through service to others, through trials…and any other number of things. I believe that what’s important is not so much how “perfect” we are, but how surrendered to Him we are willing to be. Because the truth about perfection is that Jesus Christ is the only perfect Being, and He is the only One who can do this work of change in our lives.

But back to killing perfectionism with grace. A chapter of Scripture that has really changed my life and my viewpoint of God is Psalm 103. I would encourage you to read the entire chapter, and you can do that here. But I will share with you a few of my favorite verses from this passage.

8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love…

11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
    as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
    he remembers we are only dust.

God understands us! He considers Himself our Father, and we His children.

Lord, help us to remember how much you love us when we are attacked by the “perfectionism monster!”

perfectionism

P.S. My hand-bell practice went a lot better than I expected, thank the Lord! 🙂 It seems that when I relax and breathe, I’m able to think more clearly, enjoy what I’m doing more, and just focus on doing my best for my Savior!

Photo credit (for cookie monster): Unknown