Tag: mental health

When Joy Seems Elusive

I’ve been falling back into the mud and mire of depression.

There are numerous reasons for this. The struggle with insomnia has left me extremely tired. The hormone medicine I was taking to assist in achieving pregnancy affected me poorly, leaving me feeling anxious, irritable, and overwhelmed. And I’ve been experiencing loneliness for some time now.

I try to pull myself up out of the pit, but it’s not working. What I really need is for God to pull me up out of this muck.

With the holiday season upon us, I’ve wanted to focus on being grateful. On praising my Father for Who He is and all that He’s provided. On reaching out to others who need love. I haven’t succeeded yet in doing this. I need to be intentional – to do whatever it takes to be a blessing…even if I feel like I’m sinking into the depths. I know that if I can focus on other people, I will begin to feel better. Please pray that I can do this.

Through all of this, God has been faithful. I know He’s with me, and that I can go to Him at any time, and for any reason. He is my loving Father. My Comforter. My Savior. My Friend. I can trust in Him fully, and I can rely on His Word and His Spirit for guidance.

I’ve been reading through the Psalms, as these poignant songs really resonate with me in my situation. They help me to be honest with God, and to express what’s going on inside my heart. Yesterday as I was reading I came across a passage that encouraged me and gave me hope. I believe that as I cling to the truths in these verses, God will lift my spirit and restore my joy and gratitude. ❤

“But I have trusted in Your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

~ Psalm 13:5-6 ESV

 

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Freedom Through Surrender

I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been moody, irritable, tired, and more anxious and depressed than normal.

My fertility doctor recently increased my progesterone medication, as the lower dosage I had taken last cycle wasn’t enough. It’s really been affecting me poorly.

Yesterday I had somewhat of a breakdown. After sleeping much of the day (mainly because I couldn’t sleep at night), I finally found the strength to take a shower. In the shower I begged God to provide some sort of help or relief – for Him to somehow get me through this struggle.

He didn’t disappoint.

As I was getting dressed, one of my favorite songs came on the radio: “Thy Will,” by Hillary Scott. It’s a favorite song of mine because in many of the trials I’ve gone through – especially with my mental health – it’s helped me to express my heart to God when I had no strength or energy to formulate words.

The song basically talks about not understanding the place that God has you in, and feeling overwhelmed at the difficulty of your trial. But the climax of the song comes when the artist fully surrenders the situation to God and says, “Thy will be done.”

I knelt on the floor in the bathroom and began to sob. No matter how hard things were at the moment, what the Lord desired of me was surrender. Surrender to His will. Surrender to His plan and purpose. Surrender to His sovereignty. And surrender to His goodness and love.

God had His way. I surrendered the situation to Him…and I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It wouldn’t be easy – and I would need to surrender to His will each day – but through His strength I knew that I would be able to persevere…one baby step at a time. ❤

 

Photo by Jordan McQueen on Unsplash

When God Says “Not Yet”

What do you do when God says “not yet”?

You wait. And you listen. And you pray. And you try to rest in His love.

That’s what I’ve been attempting to do since I got the call late yesterday afternoon that the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) procedure that Roy and I had undergone was unsuccessful, and that I was not pregnant.

I can’t say that it’s been easy. Even though this was only our first cycle of utilizing the extra support of an infertility specialist to help us conceive, I still managed to get my hopes up. I still thought that there was a possibility that the procedure would be successful, and that we would be able to start a new journey of carrying and raising a child. And there WAS a possibility…but it wasn’t the right time.

Am I angry? I was at first. Am I frustrated? Definitely felt some frustration. Am I sad and hurt and disappointed? Yes, yes, and yes. But I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God knows what’s best for Roy and for me, and I know that His timing is perfect.

So where do we go from here?

Well, we start another cycle and see what happens. We try again.

I put in a call to the office requesting a meeting with my doctor (we had a consultation with him before we began this whole process, but since then we’ve been working mainly with the nurses). He is going to give me a call in a week so that we can discuss what he thinks would be the best way for us to proceed. I don’t know if he’s going to want us to try another IUI, or if he will recommend IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). We’ll see what he says!

It’s amazing how God has been speaking to my heart since we got the news yesterday. While I was reading today’s installment of “Our Daily Bread” this morning, I came across a well-known (but difficult to truly believe and apply) passage of Scripture that was comforting:

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them…” ~ Romans 8:28 (NLT)

This reminded me that God desires the best for Roy and me, and that He is working in our lives according to His perfect plan!

What’s even more encouraging (and convicting) is the truth found in the verse following this passage of Scripture:

“For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” ~ Romans 8:29 (NLT)

God wants me (and all of His children) to be made like Jesus! His main goal for us is not for us to “be happy” or to “get what we want.” He wants to shape us into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ, in order to bring glory to Himself!

Now this doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want us to have joy. But we can have joy through our relationship with Him and through being grateful for all that God has given us already, instead of basing our happiness on that “thing” or “experience” or “relationship” that we think will fulfill us. If we attempt to find our joy in any other place than in the person of Jesus Christ, we will be chasing the wind and will be ultimately unfulfilled.

All that to say…is it difficult to wait? Yes. Is it disappointing to not receive the answer that we are longing for? Definitely. But we MUST believe God when He tells us that He knows what is best for us and that He is working on behalf of our best interests. Praise God – He is so good!

I want to end with a quote that my Mom came across in a book that she’s going through in her Women’s Bible Study at church. It really hit me, and I hope that you will be able to pray it along with me:

“Lord, I am willing
To receive what You give.
To lack what You withhold.
To relinquish what You take,
To suffer what You inflict,
To be what you require.”

Anonymous 

❤

 

Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash