Taking the Next Step

Today Roy and I met with one of our fertility doctors for an IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) consult. This month we are undergoing our 8th IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) procedure…and if we don’t conceive this cycle, it was recommended that we move forward with the IVF process.

We think the meeting went fairly well, but it was a lot of information.

A lot of terms.

A lot of explanations.

A lot of questions and answers.

I tried to write down as much as I could to refer to later, since my memory has been affected negatively from the ECT (ElectroConvulsive Therapy) treatments I sustained while in my deepest depressive episodes. But it was difficult – the doctor spoke quickly and I was forced to ask her to repeat herself numerous times. However, it was important information for me to understand and remember, so I asked again.

According to the doctor, women my age experience around a 50% chance of conceiving with IVF. But there are a few things that they haven’t figured out yet about my cycle, and that could bring the percentage down some.

For example, my FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone) levels tend to be high when I undergo the baseline ultrasound and blood-work at the beginning of my cycles. This could possibly mean I have a decreased egg reserve…which would make conceiving (naturally or with IVF) more difficult. But the doctor wants to check my AMH (Anti-Müllerian Hormone) levels through more blood-work, as she said this level could definitively tell us what my egg reserve is.

It’s all quite overwhelming.

But we’re praying for wisdom and strength and for God to have His way. If He wants us to conceive, we know that it will happen. And if He doesn’t…we have to be okay with that too. He is the One who ultimately knows what is best for us.

So as anxiety rises in my mind and heart, I want to praise God. Praise Him for the opportunity to receive treatment to help us conceive. Praise Him for helping us will all of the requirements: the appointments, the ultrasounds, the blood-work, the IUI’s, the injections, the other medications – and the finances needed to undergo these treatments. And praise Him for His presence throughout this entire process so far…and His continued presence as we take this next step.

Trusting Him fully is OUR job. We leave the rest to HIM. ❤

Photo by Lindsay Henwood on Unsplash

I Will Trust in You

Faith can be very difficult sometimes.

The things that you desire may not come to pass…or at least as quickly as you would like them to. The prayers that you utter to God may seem to go unheard and unanswered. The situations that confuse and discourage you may feel like they are too much for you to bear. But that is actually where faith begins.

Tomorrow I will finish my time at the behavioral health program that I have been attending for the past ten or so weeks. It has been helpful, but I have to admit that I’m not as far along as I would have hoped.

Do I understand? No. Am I frustrated? Angry? Discouraged? Confused? Yes, on all accounts. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I would be much better at the end of this program. Maybe I did do the right thing, but my recovery is still a battle that must be fought day by day.

I’m weary. I feel like giving up. The next step is ECT, which I am afraid of, and which will not be easy. But I have to keep pushing forward. I have to keep on starting afresh each day. Getting out of bed when I have no desire to. Trying to take care of the pets and do household chores and run errands when I have no energy or motivation. Reminding myself of the many things I have to be thankful for, and the ways that God has answered my prayers in the past.

A song that has resonated with me over the past several weeks is “Trust in You,” by Lauren Daigle. When nothing seems to be going the way you want it to and you feel that God is not listening, the best response that we can have is one of faith. So, I will bow at the feet of Jesus and say with the little strength that I have left: “I will trust in You. You are God, and You are faithful…even if I can’t see it playing out in my life right now. And I will thank You in advance for what You are going to do, in Your perfect timing.” ❤



Featured Photo by Patrick Fore


Hidden Treasures

Dear friend, God may send you some valuable gifts wrapped in unattractive paper. But do not worry about the wrappings, for you can be sure that inside He has hidden treasures of love, kindness, and wisdom. If we will simply take what He sends and trust Him for the blessings inside, we will learn the meaning of the secrets of His providence, even in times of darkness.

~ A. B. Simpson

Photo Credit: Matthew Smith