Tag: depression

Everyone Has a Story

If everyone has a story, what is mine?

What is it that God wants to use me for in this world? Right now, I feel somewhat useless. Although I AM a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, and a friend – along with being a daughter-in-law and a sister-in-law, among other relationships – I still wonder…

Wonder what it is that I’m here for.

I love to read and to write. I love to help people. I love nature. I love to travel and see new places. I love animals. I love coffee and tea. I love enjoying time with my family and friends. But is that enough? How do all of these things come together to enable me to accomplish the personalized plan that is “my story”?

Right now I feel kind of stuck. I’m making my way through each day with God’s strength. I’m going to ECT (ElectroConvulsive Therapy) and to see my psychiatrist, praying that God will continue to help me overcome my depression and anxiety. I started a new work-from-home job which I am very grateful for…but again, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

God, am I enough for you? Am I enough for the people who are in my life? What is it that you have for me?

I know what the Bible says. Although I will never be “good enough” in and of myself, I have been washed clean of my sins by Christ’s blood – and made His precious and beloved daughter. In Him, I am enough. In Him, I am whole. In Him, I can become the unique person that He made me to be.

I am blessed to have these precious promises. But truthfully…I’m having a difficult time believing them. I don’t feel like they are true. I don’t feel like they apply to me. I’m just not feeling it.

However, I know that it doesn’t really matter how I feel. What matters is that I have faith in what God has said to be true. And I pray that I’ll be able to do that.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” ~ Ephesians 2:10

Out of the Pit

The last several months have been overwhelming.

I’ve been struggling a lot with depression, and I got to the point where I knew the medicines and therapy were not doing enough to help, and that I needed to try something different.

So I decided to embark on a new journey: ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). It’s been scary, and encouraging, and frustrating, and confusing, and promising…all at the same time.

I’ve been undergoing the ECT procedure twice a week for around twelve weeks now. Unfortunately, it has affected my memory. But it does seem to have given me that extra “boost” I needed to climb out of the dark pit of depression; and for this I am grateful.

If you are struggling with depression, you are not alone. Take comfort in the fact that there are others who are walking this road with you – most importantly, Jesus Christ. He understands what we are going through, and He is right there with us to give us the strength and encouragement to take the next small step along the path that He has for us.

Photo by: James McGill

I Will Trust in You

Faith can be very difficult sometimes.

The things that you desire may not come to pass…or at least as quickly as you would like them to. The prayers that you utter to God may seem to go unheard and unanswered. The situations that confuse and discourage you may feel like they are too much for you to bear. But that is actually where faith begins.

Tomorrow I will finish my time at the behavioral health program that I have been attending for the past ten or so weeks. It has been helpful, but I have to admit that I’m not as far along as I would have hoped.

Do I understand? No. Am I frustrated? Angry? Discouraged? Confused? Yes, on all accounts. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I would be much better at the end of this program. Maybe I did do the right thing, but my recovery is still a battle that must be fought day by day.

I’m weary. I feel like giving up. The next step is ECT, which I am afraid of, and which will not be easy. But I have to keep pushing forward. I have to keep on starting afresh each day. Getting out of bed when I have no desire to. Trying to take care of the pets and do household chores and run errands when I have no energy or motivation. Reminding myself of the many things I have to be thankful for, and the ways that God has answered my prayers in the past.

A song that has resonated with me over the past several weeks is “Trust in You,” by Lauren Daigle. When nothing seems to be going the way you want it to and you feel that God is not listening, the best response that we can have is one of faith. So, I will bow at the feet of Jesus and say with the little strength that I have left: “I will trust in You. You are God, and You are faithful…even if I can’t see it playing out in my life right now. And I will thank You in advance for what You are going to do, in Your perfect timing.” ❤

 

 

Featured Photo by Patrick Fore