Tag: infertility

Remaining Hopeful through Infertility

Another negative pregnancy test.

I stood dazed in the produce section of the local grocery store after the call came in this afternoon – the nurse notified me that this past cycle was unsuccessful. I continued to stand there for a bit, watching with blurry vision as people pushed their shopping carts around the aisles.

I called my Hubby to let him know. I spoke with my Mom and told her the news. And I texted other family and friends who have been supporting us on this journey.

I was hopeful that this would be a good cycle, as I had undergone an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) earlier on to determine if my fallopian tubes were clear – and they are. This was good news. And the doctor also told me that an HSG can sometimes clear out any residue in your tubes that might be hindering conception, giving you a better chance. Well, it didn’t work this time…but at least I know that my fallopian tubes are unblocked.

Truthfully, I just feel drained. Discouraged and drained. My hopefulness about the cycle had kept me a little more energized than normal…but when I received the news, all of the energy came gushing out. The fertility process itself is exhausting – especially when it culminates in a negative pregnancy test.

I’m going to try to set up a phone call with my doctor to see if he has any new suggestions. The nurse had mentioned that there were different shots I could take that might help with my FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels, but we have to wait to see if our insurance will cover them. Also, one of the ladies at the front desk had told me that because we would like to try IVF (in vitro fertilization) but can’t afford it, they could possibly check to see if they have any donated IVF meds to give to us. So we have a few options to look into.

But mostly, we just need to stay positive and keep trying. And keep trusting in God – a God Who knows us intimately and loves us completely. And a God Who is continually working for our good, and His glory.

P.S. Thank you for everyone’s prayers…they mean a lot. ❤

Photo by Surachet Khaoropwongchai on Unsplash

The Voice of Truth

The past several weeks have been eventfully uneventful.

I struggle each day with trying to get out of bed. I go to my psychiatrist and fertility appointments. I take my meds. But I’m looking for a break-through, not the same-old, same-old.

I want to get better. I want to live a “normal” life. I want to wake up one morning and realize that I have been cured from depression and anxiety. That I actually WANT to get out of bed because I believe I have a life that’s worth living.

I’m so tired.

zohre-nemati-795730-unsplash
Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

Obviously, this is the voice of my depression.

But what does the voice of God say?

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

I MUST listen to and believe the voice of God over the voices of my depression and anxiety.

Even though it feels like I can’t make it through another day. Even though it seems like I have no purpose to wake up tomorrow. Even though I perceive that I am alone in this struggle…

I know the Bible says that God gives me new mercies each day (Lamentations 3:22-23). That He has a purpose and a plan prepared for me (Micah 6:8; Proverbs 3:5-6). And that He is always with me (Hebrews 13:5-6).

I MUST listen to the voice of truth.

. . .

there is a time and there is a place
where all my troubles will fade away
where my heart will be happy
where my hopes will come true
and all of it will happen because of You

. . .

I will be getting bloodwork done on Wednesday to see if I’m pregnant this cycle. I am hopeful, but also scared. I know that we haven’t been trying for a very long time…but the wait is still utterly grueling.

Please pray that I will listen to and believe God’s voice – the voice of truth – in the waiting. ❤

 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Freedom Through Surrender

I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been moody, irritable, tired, and more anxious and depressed than normal.

My fertility doctor recently increased my progesterone medication, as the lower dosage I had taken last cycle wasn’t enough. It’s really been affecting me poorly.

Yesterday I had somewhat of a breakdown. After sleeping much of the day (mainly because I couldn’t sleep at night), I finally found the strength to take a shower. In the shower I begged God to provide some sort of help or relief – for Him to somehow get me through this struggle.

He didn’t disappoint.

As I was getting dressed, one of my favorite songs came on the radio: “Thy Will,” by Hillary Scott. It’s a favorite song of mine because in many of the trials I’ve gone through – especially with my mental health – it’s helped me to express my heart to God when I had no strength or energy to formulate words.

The song basically talks about not understanding the place that God has you in, and feeling overwhelmed at the difficulty of your trial. But the climax of the song comes when the artist fully surrenders the situation to God and says, “Thy will be done.”

I knelt on the floor in the bathroom and began to sob. No matter how hard things were at the moment, what the Lord desired of me was surrender. Surrender to His will. Surrender to His plan and purpose. Surrender to His sovereignty. And surrender to His goodness and love.

God had His way. I surrendered the situation to Him…and I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It wouldn’t be easy – and I would need to surrender to His will each day – but through His strength I knew that I would be able to persevere…one baby step at a time. ❤

 

Photo by Jordan McQueen on Unsplash