Faithful Father

Daddy and his little boy.

I’m frickin’ angry.

I’m so incredibly tired.

I’m at a complete loss for what to think and how to respond to my continued inability to sleep and to the way it’s making me feel right now.

I want to just keep eating and eating this “comfort food.” Why not? It makes me feel “good” – or at least “okay” – for a few rotten moments…and then it bites me in the butt.

I need You, Daddy. I need You, my “Abba,” my gracious Father…I need You desperately. I know You’re here with me, but I’m having a hard time “feeling” Your presence. I wish You could physically embrace me so that I could “experience” the comfort of your touch…but I can only “sense” Your strong (yet gentle) “arms” around me now with “tingling skin” of faith.

Where are You, God?

Are you in this fiery trial with me, or have You left me all alone?

I know the answer. I know the truth…

I am not alone. You are right here with me, in this fire. Protecting me from the effects of the billowing flames.

You’ve been here before. You’ve felt what I’m feeling. You understand completely.

I am known and loved.

I am cherished and adored.

I have worth.

I have value.

I am fashioned in Your image, and you have declared Your creation of me as “very good.”

I am Your “masterpiece,” …Your “poem”!

You are writing my “story” – the story of my life.

You, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, care about me…and You care about everything that concerns me!

You are incredibly and delightfully and utterly GOOD –

All of the time. Now and forevermore…

My Faithful Father. 💜

Friday Night Ramblings

Well, it’s Friday. Another week gone by. Another amalgamation of victories and triumphs mixed with shortcomings and defeats. Another accumulation of experiences to learn from.

The weeks seem to be flying by so quickly. I really don’t know what happened to the summer. It was here for a moment, and then it was gone. And now Autumn is almost upon us. I can’t help but ask myself: am I growing? am I progressing? am I improving? am I taking those baby steps that I so long to take?

And the answer? I really don’t know.

I need to take some time to think and to ponder and to look back on these past few months. I feel like everything is just mashed together – all the up’s and the down’s, all the good’s and the bad’s. It’s so easy to just keep steamrolling forward, and to leave the past in my wake without a second thought. But I don’t want to do that.

So what has happened over the past couple of months? For one, I’ve been struggling a lot with sleep. It has been extremely elusive. I lay in bed for hours at night, my body exhausted and attempting to rest but my mind still awake and somewhat cognizant. I really, REALLY wish I had an “off” switch for my brain. I do the best I can to prepare myself for slumber, but most of the time my efforts are in vain. And it doesn’t help that the medicine that used to help me drift off into dreamland is one that is not safe to take while attempting to get pregnant.

So about trying to get pregnant…it’s tough. The Hubby and I have been trying for about six months so far without being successful. We are now seeing a fertility specialist who will hopefully increase our chances of conceiving. But it’s a difficult process. Lots of blood-work and ultrasounds. Lots of terminology that baffles me. Lots of information to process. But we’re praying that if it is what God wants, He will enable us to have a child. He knows what is best – and we’re trying to rest in that knowledge as time progresses.

I don’t mean for this post to have a sullen undertone. God has been good. Roy and I were blessed to share some fun times this summer. We were able to visit the beach and boardwalk numerous times, to spend time with family and friends, to explore a new destination called Grounds for Sculpture, and to experience some really special moments. I need to be and want to be and am trying to be grateful. He has done so much for us!

I guess I just feel weighed down. Tired. Somewhat discouraged. The Hubby and I have several decisions that we need to make, and they are big ones. The future seems scary and overwhelming right now. But I know…I just KNOW that God has already walked the path that He is leading us on, and that we need only to trust and to follow. To seek His wisdom and to be obedient. It’s a difficult process, but it’s one that will mold us and shape us into the people that He wants us to be. And it will open doors for the types of ministries that He would have us to be involved in.

I really want to make an impact. To help people who are hurting. To use the gifts that God has given me to be a blessing. But I don’t quite know how to do that! I would ask you, if you have a moment, to pray for me. That God would ignite the passions that He has instilled in me and show me – very specifically – how to use them. Pray for my husband, also. He works so hard, and I know he is tired and disheartened. He also wants to make a difference, but is lacking the time and the means to do so.

Anyway, that’s probably enough rambling for one blog post. 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and for caring. I want to leave you (and myself) feeling encouraged, so I will end with this promise from God:

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
~ Isaiah 41:10

God’s got us! And He will never let us go. So take that next baby step with hope and confidence and joy. You may not know what you will encounter, but He does. And as the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, He has both the desire and the ability to work in such a way that will bring growth for us and glory for His name. ❤

 

Photo taken by Crystal Knauss at Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton Township, NJ

When Dreams Can Come

Sleep eludes my body;

I lie awake in bed,

My eyes refuse to close.

The worries of the day

And the nagging thoughts of night

Continue to impose.

I long for peaceful rest,

A break from what once was

And what will soon become.

Just a little sweet repose,

When the burdens fall away

And the dreams can come.

Jesus, lend Your mercy,

Please pour on me your grace

And receive my prayer – 

I know You see my plight,

And in Your tender arms

Hold me in Your care. ❤