Tag: anxiety

It’s Cold Inside

It’s been cold inside my heart for the past week or so. I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety, a lot of doubt, a lot of perfectionism…just a discouraging time. On one hand, I know the Truth of what God says, but on the other hand, I’m having a difficult time believing it.

At two points during the past several days, I’ve been so anxious that I’ve had to actually write out a list of all the things I was anxious about, just to get them “out of my head” so I could try to go to sleep. Thankfully, I feel better after doing this – and I always try to end with reminding myself of the positives and the promises of God. Somehow this keeps me going.

For example, one night I wrote out my list of worries, and then asked myself, “Why am I worrying so much about all of this?” I answered myself:

  • I’m not trusting God.
  • I want to be in control.
  • I want things to go perfectly.
  • I don’t want to fail.
  • I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

But then I countered myself with these truths:

  • I put my trust in You, God. I let go!
  • God is in control – not I.
  • There is no perfect on this earth. God knows that I am only human, and He gives me grace.
  • God allows me to fail. I can learn from it.
  • I am not here to please _________, or anyone else. I am here to please God!

A verse that encouraged me at this time was Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT) – “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

Then another night I was worried about something else, and how things weren’t going as I had hoped. But again, I tried to encourage myself with truths:

  • God led me into this.
  • I prayed about it.
  • I asked for wisdom.
  • God opened doors.
  • Maybe He wants me to grow through this.
  • Maybe He wants me to rely on Him!
  • Faithful is He who called me, who also will do it.
  • I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
  • It is God who works in me both to will (to WANT to do) and to do (to accomplish) His good pleasure.
  • God is my Helper, and He will not leave me or forsake me.
  • I AM RIGHT WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE!

The hardest part is that I feel like no one understands. People try, but they just don’t struggle with the same things. Truthfully, however, no one can fully understand someone else. The ONLY Person who can COMPLETELY understand me and each and every person is Jesus Christ.

“For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” ~ Hebrews 4:15 (ESV)

PRAISE GOD that He understands! Sometimes it is just this knowledge that gets me through. ❤

SUNSHINE! Gratefulness, And a Little Bit Accomplished

So today didn’t go quite as planned (but then again, what day does?) I didn’t get many of the things accomplished that I wanted to, but I am still grateful.

I WAS able to get a few thing done around the house. I WAS able to pay a bill (yay, lol!) And I WAS able to take my dog Daisy for a walk outside in – yes, it’s true: SUNSHINE! So for these things, I thank the Lord.

And I thank the Lord for the things that I DIDN’T get accomplished. Yes, I wish I would have had a much more profitable day, but I’m grateful that God is able to take my day and use it for His purposes. And hopefully tomorrow will yield better results.

Tonight my husband and I have the privilege of going over our friends’ house for dinner, and then to church for hand-bell practice. Ah, hand-bell practice. That is where my perfectionism and anxiety come in. But I am determined to stick to the two rules that I’ve made for myself: 1) Have fun, and 2) Be “okay” with making mistakes.

We’ll see how things go! ❤

Photo Credit: Alejandro Escamilla

A Hidden Purpose

Nothing is ever easy. I’m learning that more and more as I travel through life. And it gets quite depressing. But I’m also learning that even though nothing comes easily in life, the things that are important to me are worth the effort.

The past few days have been difficult. I’m not doing well on my medication…it’s causing my depression and anxiety to worsen, and I am much less stable. I had to ask my Mom to come up to visit me yesterday to help get me out of the rut that I was in. And she did, and it helped. But I have to wait until the end of March to see a new doctor who will hopefully help me get my medications back on track.

There have been other situations that have caused anxiety, as well. Finances, along with the duties of everyday life and taking care of a home (and not having the energy whatsoever to do so) have been discouraging. But I have tried to keep close to God…and I think that has been the only thing that has gotten me through.

It’s strange, though. Yesterday I was so angry at Him…I just didn’t understand why things were the way that they were. I took time to read the Bible and also a devotional, but I found myself yelling at God in my mind and throwing His promises back at Him, thinking, “This isn’t true in my life right now,” or “You promised this, but You didn’t follow through with it.” I must say, I still don’t know the answers to why certain things in my life are the way they are right now (mostly regarding my health), and maybe I never will. But one thing I DO know is that no matter how difficult things have gotten in the past, God has always carried me through. And I must have faith that He will do the same in this situation.

I’d like to share with you the devotional that I referred to. Yesterday I read it in anger, and today I re-read it in desperation. This time I found comfort in it–in Him. I hope that it is an encouragement to you.

I magnify You, O Lord, I exalt Your name, for You are great and highly to be praised. I praise You for the glorious splendor of Your majesty and the power of Your awe-inspiring acts. Your power is unlimited…absolute…beyond imagining. You are able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or dream of. “There is nothing too hard for You.” Who is like You, “majestic in holiness, awesome in praises, working wonders”?

O Lord Most High, You rule over the heavens and the earth, for You made all things by Your great power, and You keep them existing and working by Your mighty Word. You are exalted high above every star and galaxy in the entire cosmos…yet You are also “the God of all mankind,” the great, personally present, personally involved God who loves, rescues, and takes care of all who trust You. You exercise Your gracious authority over all nations – and over each individual in all the world. There is none like You, the true God, the living God, the everlasting King.

I praise You for Your sovereignty over the broad events of my life and over the details. With You, nothing is accidental, nothing is incidental, and no experience is wasted. You hold in Your own power my breath of life and all my destiny. And every trial that You allow to happen is a platform on which You reveal Yourself, showing Your love and power, both to me and to others looking on. Thank You that I can move into the future non-defensively, with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me, even to my old age…and through all eternity.

~ 31 Days of Praise, by Ruth and Warren Myers

As I said, I don’t know all of the answers…but I know that I must keep going. And thankfully, I have the support of my God, my family, and my friends. There is some purpose in all of it…and I will see that purpose when the time is right – even if that means I must wait until heaven for it to be revealed.

Photo Credit: Lee Scott