Tag: depression

New Mercies Every Morning

The past couple of days have been rough. My mood has been very, very low. I had a Dr.’s appointment yesterday that really discouraged me. Just the way I was treated. And I have to admit, I didn’t have the greatest response, which made me feel even worse.

But thanks to my Hubby coming home from work early, and my Mom coming up to visit, I was able to begin feeling better. I’ve been extremely tired and have slept a lot, but today I am starting to get a few things done.

The sunrise this morning was beautiful. I went outside to scrape the frost off of my husband’s car, and the layers of color in the sky reminded me of God’s promise of new mercies each day. And that’s what I need to rely on.

That, and the care and support of my family and friends. I truly am blessed. And I will continue to move forward–one baby step at a time. Although it is extremely discouraging that my mental health has been in such a bad condition for so many years…I must believe that God has a purpose in it, and that some day He will bring me out to a place of abundance.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.”

– Lamentations 3:22-23

Photo Credit: Unknown

From Tears of Hurt to Tears of Joy

I hate my weaknesses. I hate my infirmities. I hate the areas in which I struggle, the areas in which I fall short, the areas in which I fail. I want to be in control. I want to be able to take care of myself. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be perfect.

It’s a constant tension. Trying to do things on my own, or letting go and relying on God. Getting upset and angry when I fall short, or trying to be thankful for and accepting of God’s grace. Does anyone else have this struggle?

I read something in 31 Days of Praise today that, truthfully, made me angry at first. I’ll share it with you:

“Thank You (God) that I can trust You to remove or change any of my weaknesses and handicaps and shortcomings the moment they are no longer needed for Your glory, and for my good, and for the good of other people…and that in the meantime, Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.”

Now I know these points are true, but it certainly doesn’t seem like God wants to remove or change my weaknesses and handicaps and shortcomings. The anxiety and depression have been going on for over fifteen years–isn’t that long enough? And how exactly is He getting glory from these struggles of mine? How am I being benefited? And how are others being helped?

I guess it’s not for me to know these things. It’s just for me to trust. But it’s so damn difficult! I just want the struggles to go away!

On the other hand, I know that there are people who struggle with worse things than I do. I am still physically healthy for the most part. I have a husband, family, and friends who love me. I have food and clothing and a roof over my head. And I have hope. I have God. I have an eternity with Him.

I know–I have to believe–that some day I will look back from the other side of this trial, and I will see the good in it. How it has brought glory to God. How it has benefited me. And how it has helped others. Or maybe I won’t see until heaven.

But I CAN look back on other things in my past–things that I didn’t think I would get through–and be able to say with gratefulness that God carried me to the other side. That the difficulties made me stronger. And that although I may not have been able to help throngs of people, I was given opportunities to share what I had been through, if only to help someone else feel that they were not alone.

Even though tears stream down my face right now and they are tears of hurt and frustration, I’ve got to believe that some day I will be able to look back and there will be tears of joy.

Because that’s what my God says. And even if everything flies in the face of what He says is true, I must take Him at His Word. I must hold on to Him with all of my strength, and not let go. Because He hasn’t let go of me.

Photo Credit: Desktop Nexus

Longing for Acceptance

Feelings of insecurity assail me.

I compare myself to others,

And always come up short.

I want to be myself –

To be who I truly am…

But I am afraid.

Afraid that people won’t like me.

Afraid that I am different;

That I won’t fit in.

All that I have ever wanted

Was to be “normal.”

I’m told, “There is no normal.”

But this doesn’t make me feel any better,

And it doesn’t assure me that I am not some freak

Just trying to look like everyone else.

Why can’t I be myself?

Why can’t I be “different?”

Fear. Confusion. Doubt.

Lack of confidence. Loneliness. Indecision.

My brain just doesn’t work like everyone else’s.

My thoughts get a little crazy,

And my emotions can be unstable.

I feel alone and misunderstood.

I feel…judged. And I don’t like it.

I wish there were someone who understood,

Someone who cared.

Someone who would walk beside me in the darkness.

Who would hold my hand,

And tell me that everything is going to be all right.

But I’m still waiting. Longing. Hoping.

I know to Whom I need to go,

And I know that He is the missing piece to this puzzle.

But sometimes I feel as if He’s not there.

That He doesn’t see me.

That He doesn’t care.

That He has the power to deliver me, and yet He doesn’t.

Why does He leave me like this?

My thoughts are tortured, my mind is calloused.

My words pour forth, and yet I feel that they fall on deaf ears.

Is there anyone listening?

Is there anyone who cares?

Is there anyone who understands?

Is there anyone who will see me for who I truly am,

And love me just the same?

Is there anyone – anyone at all –

Who feels the same way?

I lift up my eyes to the mountains –

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

Image Credit: Alberto Restifo